Usually, ministry involves teaching, discipling and serving. But at the core of ministry is navigating difficult relationships, especially when tensions arise. At some point, most ministry leaders will find themselves in uncomfortable conversations such as disagreements over tone, priorities, doctrine or public presence. While this is written from a pastoral perspective, the considerations listed are applicable to most people.
These moments test not just what we believe, but how we respond.
Five Considerations Regarding Difficult Conversations
1. Seek Truth and Reason
Whenever we have difficult conversations, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by emotion, especially when the dialogue begins with a perceived attack or accusation. Our gut reaction may be to unload everything we’re feeling onto the other person. Resist the urge!
There is room to express emotion without being driven by it. We can speak plainly about what we feel. Some examples of this may be:
“This makes me angry.”
“This saddens me.”
“I’m disappointed with how this is being approached.”
These are not unspiritual statements. They’re human emotions and they can be said in a way that honors truth and preserves peace. The key is to ensure our emotions don’t control the direction or tone of the conversation or our life. That’s certainly easier said than done.
As we seek truth, we must do so with an open heart, acknowledging that we, ourselves, could be wrong. We should ask sincere, good-faith questions of others while reflecting on what’s truly going on in my heart.
The goal isn’t to win an argument, appear righteous or defeat someone else. The goal is to discover truth and then after its discovery to respond to it in love.
We are called to practice reason and logic, but we are to also practice humility and grace.
“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
— Ephesians 4.15
2. You Can Stand Firm Without Being Harsh
We are called to be people of conviction. Oftentimes we think this means using a harsh tone, but that isn’t necessary. We can speak truthfully, directly, clearly and boldly without being dismissive, insulting, accusatory or rude. Sometimes, our silence is just as faithful as our speech.
If I’m honest, I frequently don’t do this well. Even though I try to restrain myself from speaking ungraciously, there’s still much room for my personal growth. For others, the opposite may be true. They may avoid speaking at all, and as a result, fail to stand for truth when needed.
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt…”
— Colossians 4.6
3. Vague Accusations Don’t Deserve Endless Time
It’s not uncommon for ministry leaders to hear things like, “Some people are saying…” or “Others are concerned…” When no names are given and no specific issue is raised, then it’s wise to silently pause.
We frequently say, “context is king” when interpreting Scripture, but we forget how essential it is in everyday life as well. We require context for dealing with accusations properly. Scripture calls us to dwell on what is true that includes accusations, which leads to two practical responses:
- Personal reflection: Is there any truth to this concern?
- Guarding our time and focus: Don’t be dragged into conversations rooted in gossip or ambiguity.
A good response in such moments might be:
“If someone has a concern, I’d be glad to hear it directly. Otherwise, I need to focus on the work before me.”
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise—think about these things.”
— Philippians 4.8
4. Sometimes the Most Christlike Move Is to End the Conversation
There’s so much wisdom in knowing when a conversation has moved from productive to harmful. Choosing to end a conversation shouldn’t be about pride; instead, it should be about peace. We’re not called to win every argument, or to verbally “beat down” the other side.
Again, I don’t always do this well. It’s a continual struggle for me. But here are some signs that it may be time to walk away:
- When the other party shows no openness and seems to only desire to control you.
- When truth has already been clearly spoken.
- When accusations replace honest questions.
- When lies, rumors or gossip become central.
- When attitudes become uncharitable, hostile or manipulative.
- When a relationship risks being irreparably damaged. Sometimes a period of time can give people time to reset their emotions.
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” — Romans 12.18
5. You Can Disagree and Still Bless
I know—it’s hard. Trust me, I know. But we’re not just called to sound doctrine. We’re also called to sound character. Jesus tells us to bless those who curse us. We can wholeheartedly disagree with someone, especially a fellow believer, whilst still thinking well of them and bless them.
(As a side note: we don’t get to force others to go the extra mile. Spiritual coercion doesn’t foster true, growth; instead it stunts it.)
One of the most powerful things we can say and believe in a tense moment is:
“Even if we disagree, I hope you’re blessed.”
This doesn’t water down truth and conviction. It elevates the Gospel and reflects Jesus.
“Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” — Luke 6.28
A Word for Those in Ministry
If you’ve faced tense conversations within your church, on your team or with fellow believers, please know:
- You’re not alone.
- You don’t have to bear the weight alone of others’ assumptions, rumors and gossip.
- You can set firm boundaries and still walk in love.
- You can stand for truth while blessing those who disagree.
Let your response reflect the character of Christ, full of grace and truth.